and also one of the hardest for me this year
it seems like all i have been doing is failing lately. in multiple aspects of my life.
failing family, and obligations, albeit not by choice but still seeming to let people down. and now feeling like I am walking on egg shells among people that I love. not knowing how to show my heart anymore than i have or continue to do. praying that i can find comfort
feeling lonely. even when I am not alone. and like I am on an island that no one else seems to understand. there isn’t enough coffee in the world to revive me. I feel drained of myself, not just my energy. I am so tired of the same story over and over again without a different ending. and fighting the same battles. they say cracks let the light in but when do you finally just break.
feeling like a bad mom when Madison told me she thinks I love Emma more than her. my worst fear, realized. the one I wrote about time and again while I was pregnant. It’s heartbreaking to hear that come out of your little girl’s mouth. how will she ever understand my love for her. and for her sister. or that Emma needs me now more than she ever will. and where does that line in the sand need to be drawn between parent & friend. between setting boundaries and being too hard on them. between teaching them how to be good humans and letting them be little. where am I going wrong, and how can I reestablish what is slipping from me. how will she ever understand my entire world revolves around her. without her I feel as if i would cease to exist.
please grant me patience to be the best mother that I can be
please fill my heart with grace
please help me to continue to forgive, even those who have hurt me the most
please grant me strength to guide my family
please enable me to see the light in this darkness