honor the roll

on

i am not enthusiastic with reentering the baby stage. back into diapers and co-dependency for everything. as much as most mothers will tell you they love this stage, i haven’t been able to really feel much other than anxiety and fear over it. yes, holding a sleeping beautiful baby in your arms and knowing that it needs you to survive is an amazing and powerful feeling. but hearing that baby scream through the night and never having a second to yourself is a different feeling entirely.

but recently i was reading an article on parenting and this stuck with me

“not much about what I had expected parenting to be like has held true – it is so much more of everything than i had ever imagined. Yet at the heart of it all, there is a confidence that {these children} were chosen especially for me, and i for them. And there is a wild, splintered peace in that knowledge. there is a reckless and surprising grace in honoring the role.”

and this is exactly what i have been trying to do and hope to continue doing — honor the role. parenting is a gift that so many struggle to achieve and only a fraction obtain. so when i feel the anxiety that i know will arise once this baby is born, i plan to take a step back and think how many women out there would trade places with me in a heartbeat. how many have struggled and fought for the right to soothe a crying baby. and i will be grateful. that God has blessed us with one beautiful imperfectly perfect little daughter who makes every day brighter, and one more child on the way. we are beyond blessed for these treasures. and we don’t fully appreciate the fact that parenting is a gift. and the role is an important one. it’s a leading role in our children’s lives, and the one after which they will mirror their own. i pray that we can be the best guides possible for them, and that we can be gracious while doing it. that we can put our children before ourselves. that we can honor our role, and respect it, and follow through.

my other fear lately is that i won’t be able to be there enough for madison after the new baby comes. that i won’t have enough time (primarily) or patience for them both. some days now i end up thinking i am not doing enough and i only have one child to worry about. working full time then coming home and trying to find the energy and enthusiasm to dance and play and read and fill 3-4 hours of her day with as much love as i possibly can has been difficult at times. some days i want to sit on the couch and do nothing. let her color by herself, or watch TV. how will i ever be able to do it with two. how will i ever be able to make my whole family feel feel loved 24 hours a day. i realize families have been surviving for millions of years and that my fears are probably not new, but coping with them and trying to wrap my head around the way i can approach this new step in motherhood is something i am working on (struggling with). i hope brian, madison and this baby always realize how much i love them & that they are all i think about. day in and day out, what can i do to make my family happier?! when we fall into a rut, which everyone does at some point, i hope they know this will always be my mantra, and that i am always trying, even if i fail them sometimes.

in my attempts to “figure it out” —

something i am going to reserve for madison and i to be our “thing” is cooking – she loves to cook with me and i want to take that time to make her feel special now and after this baby is born. i recently came across baby boy bakery re-branding her blog and creating We Cook. it’s a monthly service that delivers to your home – original recipes, how-to instructions and custom made tools for you and your little to cook together. we signed up & i can’t wait to start.

another place i hope to store memories to remind them how much i loved them every single day of their lives (when they might forget) is qeepsake – once a day, qeepsake texts you a thought-provoking question about your child.you text back a response and it’s entered as a journal entry for your child. you can also text it anytime with anything you want added including funny things your children say or moments you don’t want to forget. it’s been wonderful so far.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Kelly says:

    I wish I could give you a giant hug…and I am telling you it will be great! When I was reading this blog, I remembered the fear and guilt I felt for Klaire just a short time ago. We grew our family because we felt Klaire needed a sibling. We both come from families of multiple children and we wanted her to have a buddy. I had a sudden fear that she would resent them, and us. I could not have been more wrong! Was there an adjustment period, yes. But, Klaire has found, and is honoring her role as “big sister” too. Whoa. She is protective, silly, and so loving toward her sister. Everyday I am grateful we sought second baby, and that we are blessed with them both. Is there less time spent one on one, yes. It is almost like Klaire is unaware because she too puts in time to baby. The love grows, and doesn’t divide. I think it is great you have “alone time” planned for Madison. I also believe that once this baby arrives, life will fall into place as it was meant to be. And because the time flies so fast, you will quickly have a moment when you can see that Madison, Brian and new baby will know they are loved, and you will experience happiness and a peace never before felt…and then someone will puke (just kidding…kind of.) Very best wishes during this pregnancy!

    1. MrsToes says:

      thank you so much!!! it means the world to me and helps to know I am not alone! xx

  2. Sarah says:

    You got this, Kelly! I had the same fears/anxiety. Although still excited, now knowing what I was getting myself into made the second pregnancy different. Which made me a little sad and guilt ridden from the get-go! And while some of my anxiety has come to fruition, I’m remembering I can do it! And that it all passes so quickly. And that it gets better everyday. You won’t have as much time for Madison, but that will be great for her independence! And your time together and alone will be that much more special. You’ll love seeing her fall in love with her sibling, beam with pride over her new role, and survive without as much attention! She’ll struggle here and there, and sometimes fight to get that attention back…but then she’ll get used to it and know she is still loved to the moon! And in a whole new way you will love her more and your new little one like you love your first! And madison will love having a buddy in life! You’re a great mommy balancing it all and you will keep on being a great mommy balancing even more! Best wishes and prayers for peace and courage and faith that He’s got your back!

    1. MrsToes says:

      thank you Sarah!! it helps having other people who have gone through it and survived. i know we will just hoping and trusting in His plan

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