panic has set in

or reality. or maybe a little bit of both. today we saw little 6 pound baby toes in there, and he/she is ready to come out in 3 weeks {or less} – that is frightening & exciting all wrapped up in a big ball of confusion. i’m sure that is how everyone feels before they’re about to have their first child… right? i just don’t understand all of these comments from everyone on how we will just know what to do. how is that possible? i can’t think of one instance in my life where i have gone in blind to something & just known how to do it. and in fact, people also say that you don’t forget how to ride a bike, and if you played soccer with me at wake forest you would know that is 100% not true! i am a planner. a preparer. i don’t really “wing it” much. and i don’t fully appreciate the fact that i can’t take a course or read a book on how to be good parent. IN FACT i think that should be required! i mean what is the over/under on if you’re doing a good or bad job {other than survival}? and who measures that kind of success, or failure? & how am i supposed to know what is wrong with the kid if it’s crying or if it can’t communicate with me? what sick joke is it that babies can’t talk, that doesn’t seem hardly fair to us parents. like here you go… this thing needs you to survive, however you can’t remember back to being that little or what you needed or how you got it, nor can you communicate with each other, nor will it let you get enough sleep to be of sane mind to make rational decisions  –  but best of luck! & god speed! i guess i’ve felt very helpless up until this point and known that everything was in someone else’s hands. i just prayed & did what the doctor told me and hoped for the best, and it appears that things have gone well so far. but now it’s gonna be all on me. all on us. and i’m sure that god will guide us as well when we panic in the night but it’s just so much more being placed upon us than i really ever truly grasped until now. this last month freak out stage. it is where i currently live. somewhere in between panic and reality. there is no nesting calm. no feeling at peace that it will work itself out. there is anxiety. and no matter how many times people tell me “i’ll just know” it does not ease this fear that i might NOT. what if i don’t. what if it’s not natural. what about all those forces beyond our control?? i pray & i worry and i pray some more. and then i hope that tomorrow i will be able to not worry as much. on the bright side at least the world didn’t end today, i mean if i carried this thing for 10 months and never go to meet him/her… i would have been pissed. see you in 21 days baby

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Maggie says:

    I love reading these Kelly, and like your Dad said you will KNOW, and you will quickly learn her (my opinion) ways of communication as each scream will be different and for a different reason. Excited for you and Brian. Good Luck!

  2. Daddy says:

    I have news for you Bug. You won’t always know what to do, so you can quit worrying about that. But here is the truth. You will love that little baby more than you can imagine, and God loves you and that little baby even more. You will put her/his welfare above your own. That is why when you do the best you can, it WILL be good enough. You can trust in that. Im 100% sure you will be a good mom. You wont always make the right decisions, but that baby is lucky to have you. I cant wait to meet her…. DLY

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