being a mom

anxiety. will i be a good mom? not like can i keep the baby alive, provide for it, love it etc. i think in those departments i can figure it out. i adapt, and like i always say to brian, bigger idiots than us have had babies before! but the question is will i be a GOOD mom? will i be able to make this baby feel special? will i be able to raise it with strong morals & integrity so that it will not give into this sometimes cruel world? and will i be able to show it that there is still good in this world? make sure it is naive enough to believe in people, but strong enough to not be walked upon. will i be able to guide it to be better than i was? to listen more and speak less. to appreciate life & to be a good person. to learn that family is everything and that true friends accept you for you who are, not who they want you to be. will i be able to take everything that i have learned so far & help my child not make the same mistakes that i made. will i be able to allow enough of a leash to let him/her to make their own mistakes, and to experience life without judging or interfering. can i be a referee without making game changing decisions? can i stand to sit back & not worry about each and every second  & if h{she} will be take what knowledge i’ve instilled & use it or ignore it. am i finally realizing how my own mother felt all these years, when i rolled my eyes & continued to do whatever it was that i wanted to do. oh boy, karma. i think this is karma. this is me about to get back everything i gave {and regret everything i didn’t}, and i was such a pain in the ass sometimes, i realize only now. i just hope that i can be a good guide for this baby. my mom was, had i only listened more. so dear baby, listen to me sometimes, can you do that? i only want what’s best for you — that really is true. mom i know it was for you too 🙂

& anxiety. i worry for my marriage, that children are a blessing but a strain. marriage is hard on it’s own. am i strong enough to be a mother and a wife, to share my heart and still give them both everything. will i be able to run a household, raise a child and still be sexy to my husband. can i protect them, and love them as much as i should. i always told brian i’d never let anything come between him & i ever. that i’d always put us first, but now how does that work? i just hope that i am capable of still making enough time, on the struggling schedule we already have, to keep my marriage on a pedastool at the forefront of my life. and that we both always put our little family first. above all else.

& anxiety. about the future, i keep reading how expensive kids are. i hope that we can give this little guy or girl everything they want out of life. i want to be prepared. but this is such a hard to thing to prepare for. it’s why it scares me so much, because  i can’t plan for it really. i can’t plan for the unknown, and not planning is very far out of my element. flying by the seat of my pants down a one lane road… i just want everything to be perfect and i know that is totally unattainable, but i hope that i can be smart enough and prepare enough that it will be perfect for us.

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