subway etiquette

this is a guide for any tourists, or just confused lost souls that actually live here, that do not know how to ride the subway.

1.) have your metro card ready. do not {during rush hour especially} mosey up to your silver gate like a thoroughbred about to run at the derby to only THEN pull out your purse and start digging for your metro card. there is a process, respect it. have your card ready so that you can swipe as you walk through in one fluid motion. you are holding up the rest of us if you do not understand this rule. there are approximately 8 million people attempting to ride this subway today and commuting in NYC. get it right, or get run over.

2.) move into the middle. i have never been on the subway & not been able to get off in time, EVER. no matter where i am sitting or standing, you are not going to get trapped and the car keep barreling through manhattan leaving you lost. it doesn’t happen. so move IN, if you read #1 you will note the 8 million people statistic, we are all trying to get somewhere, make some room.

3.) if everyone has moved in {as stated above} and your fat ass is still being squished by the closing doors and re-opening – GET OFF! the doors can not close around you. you are not in a pod. your sweaty, angry body pressed into mine is not going to make for a nice ride and while i understand we pack it in like sardines, if you don’t fit you don’t fit. it’s that simple. wait for the next one.

4.) if you are behind me, and we are pulling into a station that you are getting off at, please do not start saying excuse me and trying to push your way past me before the train comes to a stop. there is no where for me to go and i may be getting off here too. you can not get off the train before we are stopped and the doors are open. again, the train will not trap you. you will be okay. i will not get up, nor stop holding onto the railing early so you can take one step closer while i fall into everyone when the brakes are hit. if you can think of a place for me to go {other than the ceiling via poltergeist), then i will gladly, otherwise sit tight.

5.) if someone elderly, pregnant or with a child gets on the train, GET UP! this shouldn’t even need to be written down but sadly it does. if anyone looks less able bodied than me, i am giving up my seat. as you should. you probably need the exercise anyways, lets be honest.

6.) let me get off the train! if i am getting off and you want to get on, the most logical explanation is for you to move and let me off and then you take my place. makes sense right? i can’t walk through you, this isn’t Ghost. and again THE TRAIN ISN’T GOING TO LEAVE WITHOUT YOU! i can’t get off if you block the door. simple.

7.) turn your music down, or get better earphones. seriously nobody is interested in what you are listening to. the chance that my taste in music is even remotely similar to yours is very slim. you listen to yours, i’ll listen to mine. and if you have no earphones in at all, and are playing your phone like a beatbox, i may smack you across the back of the head. that is the dumbest thing ever. in fact next time it happens i am literally going to smack the phone out of the person’s hand and see what they do. clearly they want to share.

8.) when holding the pole, please just use your hand. one hand, not your whole arm or lean your whole body so that i have to reach to the very top or to the very bottom below your bum to hang onto the moving train.  train surfing is fun and all but only when i am in charge of deciding when i do it. you do not need to lean your entire body against the pole for balance. i will put my hand in creepy places if you continue to do so, and i will make you uncomfortable until you move.

9.) you & your bags… holy hell just take a cab sometimes please

10.) please stop asking me for money, begging me for money, performing for me for money, telling me your selling candy bars for yourself instead of selling drugs {congratulations…} or panhandling of any kind on the subway. i am either tired & unhappily cramped on my way to work in the morning, or tired & unhappily cramped after a long day of work in the evening. WORK being the key word, i will not give you my money nor do i want to see you do flips and nearly kick me in the face, play in a mariachi band, drum on old buckets, sing & play the guitar, try to be a comedian, or any other ridiculous antics. i was nearby blinded by a kid doing flips and spinning on the center poles like a stripper when he lost control and came crashing towards me. no thank you. i’ll buy tickets to any shows that i feel like seeing

11.) please don’t make out on the subway. not ONLY is it one of the filthiest places on the planet, it is also one of the most public. i will stare at you, and roll my eyes and my right lip may curl in a “gross” face making fashion but well you deserve it. save that shit for when you get home. are you really THAT in love that you can’t keep your hands off of each other even in transport from one location to the other. i do not believe it. and groping and visual pda is one thing but those of you who literally make out, tongues down throats style, in plain view of everyone are disturbed. i feel like i need to blindfold my belly from my child being exposed to such stupidity. if you love him that much, marry him. i think that will be my advice next time i witness this happening. “you two are clearly so in love, we can all see it, i suggest you get married” ~ i wonder how fast he will stop.

12.) don’t eat on the subway. 99% of the time you have awful table {in this case non-table} manners. you are spilling crumbs on the floor or on me, you are wiping your grubby paws on the pole, then licking your fingers then back again {vomit}, you are smacking your mouth in the most irritating way as if you have peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth, your food smells like garbage and is making me nauseous, you are breathing on me afterward, reeking of whatever you just inhaled. save it for a restaurant or at home. eating on the go is gross. take 5 minutes, relax a few and eat. don’t eat on the subway. yick

13.) put a leash on your children. just because they are wee ones does not mean that i think everything they do is cute. in fact i find it rather annoying. im sure everyone thinks their own kid hung the moon and is funny & charismatic & entertaining but the fact is, they aren’t. when they are running around, or kicking me, or driving their little cars on the seats & crashing into my side… i want to crush their little cars. and sometimes their little faces {too harsh?} but seriously can’t you put a leash on your kid? make them sit like a human being not the animal they are acting like

i believe that about sums up the big ones… if you have any to contribute please comment!

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